Special Edition Posting: Love-Hate Relationship

My 'Love-Hate' relationship with myself...it's a slippery slope.

We are (usually) our own worst critic. I am definitely no exception. About a month ago I was sitting on a dark balcony enjoying a beer, watching the sunset behind the hills and talking to a really good friend of mine here in Moldova about the friendship I have with a guy that he thinks is unhealthy because of the feelings I previously had for this friend. Dan (with whom I was talking) is a fellow volunteer and one of the best guys I’ve ever known in my life even though he likes to think he’s an asshole. We were talking about my friendship and the evolution of this friendship and he was telling me why he thinks it has gone on as long as it has…his opinion is that I’ve been too nice and that I should just sever all ties and end this friendship that he sees as being primarily one sided and unhealthy especially given that I had feelings that were not reciprocated.

As we talked I could tell he was trying to be honest without hurting my feelings in the expression of his opinion. I simply stated that he should just be open, that I valued his opinion (which I greatly do) and that there wasn’t really anything negative that he could say that I don’t already know or say to myself daily. His “criticisms” were not by any means harsh or mind blowing to me and in fact were actually very kind and seemed to come out of concern for me.

The point of this post is not to focus on what he said but on what I had said… “You can’t say anything negative that I don’t already know or say to myself daily.” So fast forward a month and here I am laying in bed at 12AM not being able to sleep cause I can’t get my brain to shut off. All of a sudden this conversation pops into my head from out of nowhere. Why did I say that to him? I’m not normally that blunt or open with people. I do not like showing or admitting faults to people (even those close to me). I try to put on the face of someone who is typically right, is knowledgeable about things, and looks put together. But I know it’s mostly a lie. Internally I am my biggest, meanest, and worst critic. But I would never admit that…oops-I just did!

So here is the real reason for this. Here is a list of the things I HATE about myself (physically, emotionally and mentally)

Physical Attributes:

1. My saggy arms which makes sleeveless and strapless outfits out of the question
2. My saggy stomach
3. My thighs that jiggle A LOT on the bus rides which travel on incredibly bad, uneven roads
4. My facial hair that is an every other day task to remove (for those not in the know-this commonly occurs in women who are overweight because the accumulated fat increases the amount of testosterone produced thus resulting in more hair growth in places not typically feminine)
5. The fact that I have to wear shorts under skirts/dresses (reason see number 3)
6. My pale, dull skin that easily burns in the sun and breaks out because of the removal of unwanted facial hair which causes the skin to be in a permanent state of irritation
7. Not being photogenic at all
8. Having a horrible singing voice. As a teenager I always imagined that life would be easier looking the way I did/do if only I had a beautiful voice.
9. Not being able to tan easily-thanks to my good Scottish and English genes ha
10. My hair that is too curly to be straight and to straight to be curly which results in frizz most of the time
11. My thin, brittle nails that don’t really grow well
12. My right pinky toenail that doesn’t really grow which means only 4 toenails get painted (something that gets pointed out a lot more than you would think)
13. My thin eyelashes
14. My saggy breasts. I have the family boobs. They are bottom heavy and flat on top which means they are not perky at all without the help of a bra (and losing weight has not helped that at all)
15. My dry heals. I exfoliate and lotion them all the time, but they never look good and I can never get them completely soft.
16. My flat, wide butt. Again, I have the family butt.
17. My one twisted tooth on the top of my mouth. It’s not hideous, but I get called out a lot for not smiling with teeth in pictures. I just don’t like seeing it.

Mental/Emotional Attributes:

1. Not feeling that I am able to keep up or contribute much in an intellectual conversation about just about anything
2. Not being secure enough to walk away from male attention that I know is not going to be good for me
3. Being with someone that I know isn’t right for me, but hey it beats being alone
4. The feeling that I am going to be single for the rest of my life
5. The feeling that being single for the rest of my life is a bad thing
6. Always thinking about what others think about me
7. Not having any idea what I want to be when I grow up
8. Not liking any physical attributes about myself
9. Wishing I looked, spoke, acted like someone else
10. Wanting someone to look at me and get past all the physical defects but still think I’m beautiful
11. Feeling like I am completely asexual to most if not all men
12. Not being able to love myself the way that I (logically) know that I should
13. Not being able to learn a damn foreign language easily (and no this one is not a joke-I really wish I was good at picking up a language)
14. Being too easily distracted by TV
15. Not being more driven (see #11-which is a cause sometimes for #10)
16. Having a horrible memory most of the time
17. Lacking self motivation for losing weight. I know what I need to do, I just don’t do it even though I tell myself “Tomorrow…tomorrow…tomorrow.”

Now, I don’t want you readers to think that I completely hate myself and am on the verge of ending it all. Cause I am nowhere near that and have never contemplated that. Like I said, I am my hardest, biggest, meanest, most overly critical and worst critic. I have this list go through my head almost every minute of every day but I still get out of bed, shower, do my hair, put on make up and try to look my best. Some days are better than others and some days are worse. I don’t hate all of these things about myself everyday. But in general this is my “hate list”. Some of the things on the list I know I can change. They don’t change mostly because its easier to just sit on my ass and lose myself in a movie, book or TV show where the pretty people live.

Like my list of things I hate, I do have a list of things I like or love. It tends to be shorter because we can easily find the bad in things, but we don’t always want to admit the good. And there are a few things on my hate list that are ironically on my like/love list.

Here is a list of the things I LIKE/LOVE about myself (physically, emotionally and mentally)

1. My eyes. I once had someone tell me that he was amazed by the fact that when I smiled he could see it in my eyes even though my lips were no longer smiling. For those who take the time to know me, my eyes will tell you everything you need to know about how I am feeling. I can put on a good show, but my eyes will always give me away. Have never quite mastered the lying with my eyes part.
2. My smile
3. My hair-while its neither curly or straight, it is fairly manageable and easy to style
4. My height. Everyone on my mom’s side is short as hell and that would have made me a short and fat girl. My height helps hide some of the weight.
5. My monkey arms. I love that I have long arms. Being alone most of the time, it makes it easy to reach stuff and they give good hugs.
6. My hugs
7. My laugh-it comes easily and makes me feel better after I have a good one.
8. My tattoos. I drew all of them and they represent my life at various ages.
9. My willingness to stick around when I know I shouldn’t. I hate giving up on people or severing ties even though I know it’s the healthier choice for me.
10. Not having any idea what I want to be when I grow up
11. Caring about people and taking the time to think about them
12. My creativity
13. Standing up for my beliefs
14. Being a ‘mama bear’

I am sure there is more, but for now this is what I can think of. Of course my ‘hate list’ is the longer of the two, but I think that is the same for most people. I guess the point is not to dwell on the ‘hate list’ but it’s so much easier. It’s my excuse for why things have happened in my life. Cause, look at this list of all these bad things about me and that’s why I’m single, or why I only have a few friends, or why I feel like I’m put into this certain category with people. The scary part is what happens if I change those “bad things” and I start taking away the things I hate…I take away the reasons why I think I’m single, or why I think I only have a few friends, or why I think I’m put into this certain category with people.