Special Edition Posting: Love-Hate Relationship

My 'Love-Hate' relationship with myself...it's a slippery slope.

We are (usually) our own worst critic. I am definitely no exception. About a month ago I was sitting on a dark balcony enjoying a beer, watching the sunset behind the hills and talking to a really good friend of mine here in Moldova about the friendship I have with a guy that he thinks is unhealthy because of the feelings I previously had for this friend. Dan (with whom I was talking) is a fellow volunteer and one of the best guys I’ve ever known in my life even though he likes to think he’s an asshole. We were talking about my friendship and the evolution of this friendship and he was telling me why he thinks it has gone on as long as it has…his opinion is that I’ve been too nice and that I should just sever all ties and end this friendship that he sees as being primarily one sided and unhealthy especially given that I had feelings that were not reciprocated.

As we talked I could tell he was trying to be honest without hurting my feelings in the expression of his opinion. I simply stated that he should just be open, that I valued his opinion (which I greatly do) and that there wasn’t really anything negative that he could say that I don’t already know or say to myself daily. His “criticisms” were not by any means harsh or mind blowing to me and in fact were actually very kind and seemed to come out of concern for me.

The point of this post is not to focus on what he said but on what I had said… “You can’t say anything negative that I don’t already know or say to myself daily.” So fast forward a month and here I am laying in bed at 12AM not being able to sleep cause I can’t get my brain to shut off. All of a sudden this conversation pops into my head from out of nowhere. Why did I say that to him? I’m not normally that blunt or open with people. I do not like showing or admitting faults to people (even those close to me). I try to put on the face of someone who is typically right, is knowledgeable about things, and looks put together. But I know it’s mostly a lie. Internally I am my biggest, meanest, and worst critic. But I would never admit that…oops-I just did!

So here is the real reason for this. Here is a list of the things I HATE about myself (physically, emotionally and mentally)

Physical Attributes:

1. My saggy arms which makes sleeveless and strapless outfits out of the question
2. My saggy stomach
3. My thighs that jiggle A LOT on the bus rides which travel on incredibly bad, uneven roads
4. My facial hair that is an every other day task to remove (for those not in the know-this commonly occurs in women who are overweight because the accumulated fat increases the amount of testosterone produced thus resulting in more hair growth in places not typically feminine)
5. The fact that I have to wear shorts under skirts/dresses (reason see number 3)
6. My pale, dull skin that easily burns in the sun and breaks out because of the removal of unwanted facial hair which causes the skin to be in a permanent state of irritation
7. Not being photogenic at all
8. Having a horrible singing voice. As a teenager I always imagined that life would be easier looking the way I did/do if only I had a beautiful voice.
9. Not being able to tan easily-thanks to my good Scottish and English genes ha
10. My hair that is too curly to be straight and to straight to be curly which results in frizz most of the time
11. My thin, brittle nails that don’t really grow well
12. My right pinky toenail that doesn’t really grow which means only 4 toenails get painted (something that gets pointed out a lot more than you would think)
13. My thin eyelashes
14. My saggy breasts. I have the family boobs. They are bottom heavy and flat on top which means they are not perky at all without the help of a bra (and losing weight has not helped that at all)
15. My dry heals. I exfoliate and lotion them all the time, but they never look good and I can never get them completely soft.
16. My flat, wide butt. Again, I have the family butt.
17. My one twisted tooth on the top of my mouth. It’s not hideous, but I get called out a lot for not smiling with teeth in pictures. I just don’t like seeing it.

Mental/Emotional Attributes:

1. Not feeling that I am able to keep up or contribute much in an intellectual conversation about just about anything
2. Not being secure enough to walk away from male attention that I know is not going to be good for me
3. Being with someone that I know isn’t right for me, but hey it beats being alone
4. The feeling that I am going to be single for the rest of my life
5. The feeling that being single for the rest of my life is a bad thing
6. Always thinking about what others think about me
7. Not having any idea what I want to be when I grow up
8. Not liking any physical attributes about myself
9. Wishing I looked, spoke, acted like someone else
10. Wanting someone to look at me and get past all the physical defects but still think I’m beautiful
11. Feeling like I am completely asexual to most if not all men
12. Not being able to love myself the way that I (logically) know that I should
13. Not being able to learn a damn foreign language easily (and no this one is not a joke-I really wish I was good at picking up a language)
14. Being too easily distracted by TV
15. Not being more driven (see #11-which is a cause sometimes for #10)
16. Having a horrible memory most of the time
17. Lacking self motivation for losing weight. I know what I need to do, I just don’t do it even though I tell myself “Tomorrow…tomorrow…tomorrow.”

Now, I don’t want you readers to think that I completely hate myself and am on the verge of ending it all. Cause I am nowhere near that and have never contemplated that. Like I said, I am my hardest, biggest, meanest, most overly critical and worst critic. I have this list go through my head almost every minute of every day but I still get out of bed, shower, do my hair, put on make up and try to look my best. Some days are better than others and some days are worse. I don’t hate all of these things about myself everyday. But in general this is my “hate list”. Some of the things on the list I know I can change. They don’t change mostly because its easier to just sit on my ass and lose myself in a movie, book or TV show where the pretty people live.

Like my list of things I hate, I do have a list of things I like or love. It tends to be shorter because we can easily find the bad in things, but we don’t always want to admit the good. And there are a few things on my hate list that are ironically on my like/love list.

Here is a list of the things I LIKE/LOVE about myself (physically, emotionally and mentally)

1. My eyes. I once had someone tell me that he was amazed by the fact that when I smiled he could see it in my eyes even though my lips were no longer smiling. For those who take the time to know me, my eyes will tell you everything you need to know about how I am feeling. I can put on a good show, but my eyes will always give me away. Have never quite mastered the lying with my eyes part.
2. My smile
3. My hair-while its neither curly or straight, it is fairly manageable and easy to style
4. My height. Everyone on my mom’s side is short as hell and that would have made me a short and fat girl. My height helps hide some of the weight.
5. My monkey arms. I love that I have long arms. Being alone most of the time, it makes it easy to reach stuff and they give good hugs.
6. My hugs
7. My laugh-it comes easily and makes me feel better after I have a good one.
8. My tattoos. I drew all of them and they represent my life at various ages.
9. My willingness to stick around when I know I shouldn’t. I hate giving up on people or severing ties even though I know it’s the healthier choice for me.
10. Not having any idea what I want to be when I grow up
11. Caring about people and taking the time to think about them
12. My creativity
13. Standing up for my beliefs
14. Being a ‘mama bear’

I am sure there is more, but for now this is what I can think of. Of course my ‘hate list’ is the longer of the two, but I think that is the same for most people. I guess the point is not to dwell on the ‘hate list’ but it’s so much easier. It’s my excuse for why things have happened in my life. Cause, look at this list of all these bad things about me and that’s why I’m single, or why I only have a few friends, or why I feel like I’m put into this certain category with people. The scary part is what happens if I change those “bad things” and I start taking away the things I hate…I take away the reasons why I think I’m single, or why I think I only have a few friends, or why I think I’m put into this certain category with people.

Week 6-9

Well friends, it's been awhile since I last posted. And I can give you all kinds of excuses, but that's not really the point of this blog. So here is a brief recap of my lack of progress for a variety of reasons.

Week 6: I was back on my feet after being down with the flu and a sinus infection for about 10 days. But the weather here was still really bad and I didn't want to chance doing outside exercising with the freezing temperatures so I decided to go back to my cheesy 90s strengthening videos. Ahh, they were like coming home again. It felt great to be doing something active after such a long time huddled under my blankets while ill.

Week 7: This week saw my feet doing a whole lot of walking for 5 days straight...in Istanbul!! The weather was unexpectedly snowy and cold but that didn't deter us from being the walking mad tourists that we are. We walked all over Istanbul from attraction to attraction through snow, wind and sunshine we were determined to see everything we wanted. I did however indulge in the yummy desserts that Turkey had to offer so on the food front not the healthiest, but the walking and stair climbing did help to offset those calories. (If you want to see some of the pictures from Istanbul, click here!)

Week 8: Back to school after vacation and while the first two days of weather were great, we did see some snow and rain which kept me indoors and huddled under blankets. But I spent that weekend in the south of Moldova at another volunteer's house so there was some walks to be had. And Moldovan food to be eaten that I don't normally get living on my own. On a side note, it was nice that his host mother, who had not seen me in about 7 months, commented on my weight loss. Moldovans love that I am losing weight in their country...it adds to their belief (and with some truth to it) that they have a healthier country than America.

Week 9: So that brings me to this week. Remember how just a moment ago I mentioned eating Moldovan food that I don't normally get to eat?? Well, it took its revenge on my and I was home for three days with intestinal issues. Good news, I'm sure I've lost some weight from lack of eating anything substantial (rice, tea/water and one hard boiled egg each day) but this is not the way I want to lose it.

Spring is making a valiant effort to take over for winter and with more sunlight during the day and warmer temperatures, I'm more motivated to be outside. I hope that my next post for week 10 will be about all the wonderful walks and jogs I took outside. I am also looking forward to fresh fruits and vegetables become cheaper and more readily available now that winter is waning.

Week 5

Still sick. I went into the capital city to visit the doctor. Had the flu and a minor sinus infection so she gave me super strong vitamins to take for 2 weeks and some antibiotics to take for 7 days. After about 3 days of taking those I was feeling human again and very anxious to be out and about. Gonna start back to the exercising a little slow, but ready to get back to it on Monday!

Week 4

Well friends, this will be a short recap of week 4. The temperatures here have been pretty chilly and the weather has not been nice (we even got several inches of snow yesterday), but I did manage to go for a walk/jog on Tuesday. I bundled up in many, many layers and kept my hood on to keep my head warm. However, it was all to no avail...I have been in bed with the flu since late Tuesday night. So unfortunately I have nothing else to report for this week except mmmm, tea and hot showers are good.

But I plan to get back into in again once I'm feeling better. Check in with you next week!

Week 3

This was a good week. I started the Couch to 5k program and managed to get two days of it in. The other days were filled with either strengthening videos (and still lots of laughs at my inability to properly execute the moves with grace and ease-but hey I'm having fun) or with long walks around the town. I have started taking the long way when I am out and about just to get some extra steps in each day. And I volunteer more often now while at school to run from classroom to classroom or up and down the stairs when my partner or I need something not in our own classroom. The calves are starting to look very nice from all the stairs I climb! I will say that working out has been rough this past week because 1) Winter has come back and she is REALLY cold and 2) She brought her cousin with her-Incredibly Cold and Powerful Wind.

This wind made my first Couch to 5K jog very interesting. Sarah and I were originally just going to do one of our long walks. But we figured no time like the present to get started. So as I listened to the podcast, she followed my lead when it was time for the 60 second jogs and when it was time for the brisk walking. Funny note about this, apparently whenever it was time to jog, I kept saying over and over "Shit, shit, shit". So she knew it was time. As if jogging were not difficult enough when you are first starting, we were given the added difficulty of running into very strong winds (which were great when we started heading back into town with the winds at our back).

Each time we walk, we choose a new direction through town so as to see more of Floresti. This time I chose to take her out of town towards the big hospital. In order to get there, we have to walk along one of the main roads. This was great fun. We counted 6-7 horn honks from Moldovans driving by, some to let us know they were coming, some to gawk at the weird American girls running while others were simply trying to figure out if we needed a ride because we had to be in a hurry since we were jogging. We also noticed a taxi driver passing us 3 or 4 times - our theory is that he wasn't sure if we needed a ride, so he kept passing us with the possibility that we may flag him down. Now for me being incredibly inexperienced with jogging and running, I was sorely tempted especially after we reached the outer limits of town and I knew we still had to turn around and head back to my apartment. But Sarah was a great cheerleader and kept me going. The podcast itself is about 30 minutes, but we walked a little before and after the podcast so in total we were gone about 1.5 hours. I felt great afterward and thankfully because we stretched before and after plus the extra time walking, I never got so sore that I was not able to move the next day. At one point, when I knew I was not able to jog anymore, we tried skipping our way home and we even stopped on the side of the road so I could show Sarah how to hula. Although I realized right away that was not the best idea as cars were coming toward us and we looked weird enough. The best part of the whole walk/jog was that she and I laughed (as usual) most of the way to and fro.

I am sadly reporting that keeping a food journal has ended. I am just not good at paying attention. However, I am still keeping track of what activity I do each day in my planner so at least I am half keeping track. I think I gave up on the food tracking because I was basically eating the same thing the whole week (oatmeal for breakfast and 1 cup of my homemade chili for lunch and again for dinner). I have taken to cooking one big pot of something at the beginning of the week then eating that for lunch and/or dinner throughout the week. Week 3 was chili, week 4 (this week) is a bean and veggie soup. It was an experiment since I have never made a soup with beans (especially dry beans), but overall a success. Still needs a little something to add a bit more flavor, but not bad for my first attempt at playing with ingredients.

I have not done my measurements yet, mostly because I forgot about it. But I will ask Sarah to help me next time we get together to workout.

That's all for now. Happy week to everyone!

Week 2

So this will be a light one. This past week's weather was really great for outdoor activity so Sarah and I took advantage of it. We walked for an hour and half twice last week and got to see new parts of the village. It was great, the walking was easy! Not because we were meandering, but because we were just chatting the whole time and enjoying the new scenery. But we were still a little out of breath because of the pace and the small hills we encountered along the way.

The first walk took us close to a nearby village and along part of the river that runs on the outskirts of my village. It was beautiful and now I know I should bring along my camera next time we go out. Our second walk had a duel purpose-one to exercise, but also to run some errands around the village (i.e. ATM and grocery shopping for that night's dinner). We took the long way down to the valley where our ATM is located then wound our way through one of the neighborhoods that neither she nor I had been in before. It was a whole new set of Moldovan's staring at the weird Americans and their heavy backpacks/bags.

I also did some of my cheesy and wonderful strengthening videos throughout the week, but not as often as I should have. They are easy to do so I really should be doing them everyday. But laziness gets the better of me especially when the weather is gloomy.

I knew the weekend would be a little bit of a set back to losing weight because a group of volunteers were in the capital city to celebrate my friend's birthday. But I made sure to do as much walking all over the city as possible and watch the portions when I was able to. Overall it was fairly successful for me, but I'm not gonna lie-I loved,enjoyed and ate every morsel of the yummy Pad Thai I had at her birthday dinner. And of course, there was a lot of beer consumed over the weekend. But it was a celebration and not my norm.

I still haven't started on the Couch to 5K. I endeavor to begin this week (as I have said each week since downloading the podcast haha).

While talking with my site mates we decided that the best way to measure our weight loss (and yes, I said "our" because they are joining me in exercising and losing weight) is to take our measurements. So in the next post I will let you all know where I am right now and will start using that as a measure of my weight loss once a month. I'll still weigh myself, but that's a little trickier for me since I don't always have access to a scale. Plus, with exercise comes muscle building and since muscles weigh more than fat, I don't want to rely solely on pounds as my measurement of loss.

That's it for week 2.

Special Edition Posting: The "D" Words

Some random thoughts: Dieting and Dating

Disclaimer: This is not meant to be preachy or to give the impression that I at all know anything about dieting or dating. I am a fan of alliteration - I don’t know why, I just love when there is a play on words that all start with the same letter and yes I realize that I’m a geek. But I digress.
The other day while I was writing in my food and activity journal I was thinking about the word dieting (and lately I've been thinking a lot about how long its been since I dated anyone seriously) and it occurred to me that dieting and dating are similar in a few ways. Then I laughed because dieting…dating there goes that alliteration I love. And I kept thinking about how the two are related and ever so similar.
So there you have it, that is where this “Special Edition Post” comes from. I’m sure this is no great revelation and that there are many people who have come to the following conclusions, but I thought I would share some of what I came up with. Mostly though, I am writing this because simply put, it just made me laugh.

&

So here we go in no particular order:

1) We diet so that we can feel and or look more attractive thus making it easier to date. But dating can be stressful and at times heartbreaking which usually ruins a diet. And (we've all done this) once we get into a relationship, we get comfortable and slowly stop doing the things we did for our “dating diet”. Then the “diet” goes out the window…It’s a vicious circle.

Mostly I included this picture because it is the vicious cycle of dieting and dating (Diet/Date, Famine Response, Fall Off, Feast Response, Repeat).

2) When dieting, we usually “go without” the bad stuff. But then we get that craving because its been so long and we end up gorging ourselves on the bad stuff. It’s the same with dating…go too long without and you jump feet first, eyes closed(even though you know you’re doing it) into something with the bad stuff. And by the way, this is goes for women AND men.

3) Dating the right person is like eating the right foods. You want it to be mostly good and healthy, but you can’t live on a sugar free, sodium free, fat free, low carbs, high protein diet for the rest of your life-its just not healthy. Your body needs a little sugar, a little sodium, some fat (and yes there are good fats in food), carbs and protein to function properly. Sometimes bad is good for you. Same with the “right” person - they can’t be totally perfect (you’re not so why should they be??). They have to have some bad qualities. It’s all about moderation and finding the right balance for your health (in both dieting and dating). I guess the keyword is…moderation in both dieting (which is really a horrible word because we say that we are “going on a diet” which implies temporary change in habits until we get to the desired outcome) and dating. A nice mixture of good and bad keeps us healthy and happy. And bad is not always well…bad for us.

4) In the beginning of a diet we are totally excited and committed to making it work…this time. The time before was just a trial run, a practice to figure out what doesn't work for you. Then after the first couple of weeks go by you realize that you actually have to work at dieting and weight loss, you have to make some long term lifestyle changes not just superficial ones, reality sets in and the glow of this “new you” that you’re going to become fades a bit (usually life gets in the way). Its kinda the same with relationships (and new cars)…its great and fun and shiny in the beginning. You’re getting to know each other, the sex is great ‘cause its with someone new, there’s new stories to hear, new restaurants to try and new friends to meet. Then after some time, the new wears off and you realize that you actually have to work at being in a relationship, you have to make some long term lifestyle changes not just superficial ones, reality sets in and the glow of the honeymoon period fades a bit.

Hope this made you laugh a little.

Week 1

Here is the update for this week...

I have started a food and activity journal to keep track of what I'm eating and what exercising/activity I do each day. So far its been easier than I thought it would be to keep track of everything. The "journal" is just a small notebook so its easy to take with me wherever I go. I haven't done a lot to change the food that I eat. Mostly right now I'm trying to have smaller meals more often (difficult when you teach and there's only small breaks in between classes). I need to get better about packing something and bringing it to school because there aren't a lot of healthy alternatives to purchase at school. Choices tend to be sweets and pastries-neither of which is good for someone changing their eating habits.

As for activity, this week has been a bit rough. By the time I get home from school I don't want to go back out in the very cold temperatures we've been having so I've just been doing strengthening workouts in my apartment. These workouts are great! They are 8 minute stretch, abs, arms, legs and buns videos from the 90s. The leader is decked out in his best spandex jumpsuit and he's completely over the top and my workout buddy Sarah and I spend most of the workout laughing at his wondrous cheesiness and our own inability to do the exercises well (especially the abs workout-we are pathetic!) But each time I do the videos they get a little easier. I usually feel it two days later, but its just a reminder that its working muscles that need to be worked.

My goal for this week is to actually get outside for some cardio. I know I need to start building that because its not great at all. I found a really great (free) podcast that a guy put together as part of the Couch to 5K that Cool Running has. The program is about conditioning yourself to be able to run (or most likely my case jog) a 5K after 9 weeks. The guy who created the podcast set it up in 9 separate podcasts one for each week. In each he prompts you when to shift from a walk to a jog/run. Each week the amount of time jogging/running is increased to help slowly condition the body. The first week has more walking with small 60 second sprints...the last week is logically a full jog/run for the whole 5K. I'm excited to get started. Sarah is going to do this with me, but since she is the more experienced runner I'm going to get started on it without her to get me closer to her level before she joins me.

So we'll see how this coming week goes!

The photographic evolution of Becca

This post is simply a few photographs of me since 2007 when the weight really started packing on to now.

I will begin by showing what is traditionally my favorite pose-I hide behind the person I am with in some kind of cute way so that my body is not showing! I am well versed in how to do this. These are both in 2009 (left-October / right-August)

2007

These pictures are from October/November when my friends took me to Disneyland for my 30th birthday. Most of the time I had to ride the amusement rides alone because there was not enough room for me and another. But it was still a great celebration!!

2008

Starting out the new year in England with friends January 2008

Camping trip on the coast of California with my closest friends May 2008

Disclaimer: No I'm not married-this was a theme party that my friend Josh and I put on in May 2008.

September 2008 another themed party. Finding a costume was tough because the theme was pimps and hoes. I was too big to comfortably go as a "ho" so I opted for a pimpette but even that was hard to find so I finally went with a plus size pimp costume and added accessories.

October 2008-wedding for a great friend. I was so glad I was able to wear a black dress for that event cause as you all know-its soooo slimming. The girl in the middle is the sister of the bride and my best friend who is getting married this year.

My graduation from Graduate School in December 2008

2009

February 2009 I participated in my second fire walk(the picture is me with one of the instructors). Phenomenal experience and part of the reason I finally accepted that I was leaving America and letting go of a sad and drawn out breakup.

St.Patrick's Day celebration March 2009

My going away party 2 days before leaving America June 2009

And now to my Peace Corps life: the following pictures are from my first summer in Moldova (June-August 2009)

First days in Moldova (June 2009)

A trip to a monastery (July 2009) where women have to wear scarves and skirts (to this point, I hated wearing skirts because I always felt even bigger in a skirt and didn't think I was feminine enough to wear a skirt or dress)

Picnic celebration July 2009 (Notice the pillow like quality of my breasts!)

Farewell lunch and celebration for host families (August 2009)

Activity day with some of the village kids August 2009

August 2009 helping my new host mom make tomato juice (by the way, my apron is a table cloth!)

October 2009 celebrations at my school (Halloween and my School Director's birthday)

Making Thanksgiving dinner for a big gathering of volunteers (November 2009)

2010

Starting the new year in Spain (January 2010)

Spent Easter in Vienna with friends (April 2010). This was the first flight that I didn't have to ask for a seat belt extension. What a wonderful feeling!!!

May 2010 at a BBQ with a friend and his host family

Helped with training new volunteers in June 2009. Dress code was business casual, but the summers here can get so hot that I have found I actually prefer skirts to pants (this alone speaks volumes about what a little weight loss can do to a person's perspective)

July 2010 Picnic with new volunteers

Trip to Odessa, Ukraine in August 2010. Lots of beach time and swimming in the Black Sea which meant bathing suit time. Not a fat girls favorite thing. But I realized after this trip that I was much more confident with myself because I allowed photographic evidence of me in a bathing suit and because of a late night/early morning swim we had in our underwear

Coasting on some new confidence from the summer, I have become more willing to wear dresses and skirts to work (September 2010 and October 2010)

I now am more willing to do silly poses not thinking about how fat I look in pictures (taken October 2010). Although, this does illustrate that I have gained a little back (layers of clothes during the cold winters do not help one appear slimmer though)

November 2010 helping with a presentation for some of the English Educators

Out with friends November 2010

New Year's celebrations back in America during my visit home December 2010

The Beginning

While the first post was what motivated me to create this blog, this post is all about the purpose and content of the blog.

The Purpose:

• To hold me accountable
• To record my progress
• To keep track of how I go about get healthier (and looking good in a dress)
• To learn from mistakes along the way
• To learn from successes along the way
• To vent my frustrations
• To shout to the world my triumphs
• To see my progress in pictures (I found that to be the most startling when looking at pictures from even a year ago compared to picture of me now)
• To motivate me
• To keep me honest

The Content: What you'll see here

• Lots of pictures
• Journal type entries recounting what I've done in a week (e.g. activities, food, thoughts and emotions)
• Funny anecdotes (I love to laugh at myself and I have the feeling that it will happen a lot in this)
• Honesty (sometimes brutally so)
• Links to websites or articles I find interesting

A little about me:

In my previous post I mentioned briefly a drastic life change that occurred a little over 18 months ago, which for everyone who knows me knows that I was referring to joining the Peace Corps and moving my life for 27 months to a foreign country. This experience has been life changing in so many ways mentally, emotionally and physically.

In some ways I have gained a lot of confidence and acceptance in who I am, partly due to losing weight, but mostly due to pushing my personal boundaries and having to let go of my preconceptions about EVERYTHING. I've learned when to step back and let others lead the way and when I can step forward. I've also learned to put trust in people who I have only known for a short period (kind of comes with the territory when you are surrounded by nothing familiar). I think this of everything I've learned here has helped give me confidence because in putting myself in the hands of others somehow I've also let go of needing to have everyone like and accept me. Its ok if someone doesn't love everything about me and its ok if I don't love everything about someone else. Also, people are not always gonna be happy or agree with something I think, say, do or write...and guess what, that's ok too! We can still be friends and not agree. While I realize this is not an earth shattering revelation and I'm sure that there are many people in the world who already know this, it was new for me to actually believe it for myself. With this new found "I don't care what you think of me" attitude, I give you the facts that I have not shared with people because I was too self conscious and didn't want to admit it.

One thing I've noticed over the years while attempting to lose weight is that in so many ways its all about The Numbers. How many pounds do you weigh? What is your BMI number? How many inches is your bustline? your hips? your waist? How many inches have you lost/gained? How many pounds have you lost/gained? How many calories are you eating in a day? how many grams of fat, protein, carbohydrates are in that one itty bitty bite? How many minutes/hours per week are you exercising? How many repetitions can you do? You get the idea.

Well, in my spirit of honesty, here are some of my numbers:

Weight when I left America (June 2009): 372 lbs (the largest I've ever been)

Clothing size when I left America (June 2009): size 30

Weight now (January 2011): 290lbs (up a little from my lowest weight here of 281 lbs)

Clothing size now (January 2011): size 22

Weight loss to date: 82lbs

Clothing size loss to date: 4 sizes

Goal weight by the time I leave in July 2011: 245lbs

Goal clothing size by the time I leave in July 2011: size 18

There you have it. Check out the next post-its my photographic evolution for the last 4 years.

Blame it on weddings and Yahoo.com

I blame the creation of this blog on Yahoo.com and an article I read about people who used blogs as a way of losing weight, staying accountable to their weight loss and as a forum for keeping track of what they were doing, venting frustrations, and letting others follow/join their journey.

I also blame Steve Z! Oh yes, I am calling you out Steve!! Confused?? Well follow my complete lack of logic on this....you decide to propose to my best friend (of which I am incredibly happy and excited about). This of course leads to thoughts of weddings (when will the wedding be, where will the wedding be, who will be in the wedding, what dress will the bride wear, what will the colors be, what will the groom wear and for me as a bridesmaid-what will the maid of honor and bridesmaids wear). I love my best friend and am willing to wear whatever makes her happy. It could be a San Francisco Giants orange taffeta bow extravaganza such as this

and I would happily wear it...for her. Luckily she is not asking us to go that route. But I am a big girl so thoughts of bridesmaid dresses kinda make me break out in a cold sweat. I want to look good and feel comfortable in any dress (hideous or beautiful).

I have lost quite a bit of weight over the last 18 months, about 85lbs. Not because I have conscientiously tried, but drastic life changes tend to aid (sometimes hamper) in jump starting that. But I'll get to the drastic life change later. Back to my weight loss so far. Because my weight loss was attributed mostly to a huge increase in walking and change in eating habits I've dropped the weight, but the skin is still loose. Now in my normal day to day clothes I can cover this up, but in a sleeveless or strapless bridesmaid dress-not really. Now I know what you all are thinking "But Becca, you can always use a shawl or wrap or shrug." And logically I know you are right, but I hate that look especially when I am the only one wearing it. I'm not really into being the one who stands out in a crowd or photo for that matter (which I think is why I'm usually behind the camera documenting the world around me without me in it).

How does this all lead to the creation of this blog? Well, my best friend is getting married sometime this year after I get home and I would like to feel comfortable in whatever dress she chooses. This is her day and it should look the way she wants it. Again, I know what you are thinking..."Becca you shouldn't lose weight just to fit into a dress. Weight loss is a way of life, it can't be for just one event." And you are correct. I am simply using this one event as an ass kicker to continue what I started 18 months ago. For the last 18 months I have been a passive participant in my weight loss, but that only gets you so far. Eventually you plateau which is what I have done. Now I have to be an active participant and this blog is one of many steps I am taking.

This post is simply the explanation. The next post will be the beginning!

And a special note to my best friend: Do not take this as something against you. You have inspired me to get off my butt and do something I've been talking and thinking about for too long now but have been too lazy and self conscious to follow through with. You are my catalyst!!