Starting Again

I realize it has been over a year since my last post. In that time I continued to lose weight, then gained weight, then lost weight. The typical cycle that we all struggle with. I also wore the dress and looked pretty damn good in it. The wedding was fabulous and I even managed not to fall down the aisle in the 4" wedges I wore. Great event, great dress (still have it and WILL wear again sometime), great friends and even better memories.

But I found myself creeping back up in the weight department. I did really well this past summer and dropped about 20 pounds with the help of some friends who participated in a 90 day weight loss challenge. It was great, we worked out, we tracked our food and once a week we got together for "family dinners" that were healthy and absolutely delicious. Then of course life gets busy and going to the gym and cooking dinner at home takes a back seat to the demands of work, family, socializing, and sleep.

So, here I am again getting back on track to losing weight. This time I am on this journey with my best friend, Bret. He and I are roommates, gym buddies, kitchen mates, and most importantly each other's cheerleader/motivator/ass-kicker. We have decided that we would both like to eat healthier, feel healthier and look healthier. My mad kitchen skills mixed with his mad gym skills are the perfect combination.

We were recently talking about documenting our journey and losses as a way to keep a journal and hold ourselves accountable. That conversation brought this blog back to life. I'll be covering Monday posts and Bret will cover Friday posts. Although I'm sure we'll have a few thrown in as we think of fun stuff to share.

To start things off, here are the numbers we are beginning with:
Bret
Weight: 230.2
Calf: 16"
Thigh: 24"
Hips: 46.25"
Waist: 42.25"
Chest: 42.5"
Arms: 15"

Becca
Weight: 304.6

Calf: 18"
Thigh: 35"
Hips: 58.5"
Waist: 55"
Chest: 18.5"
Arms: 16"

Watch as our numbers drop! More on Friday

Special Edition Posting: Love-Hate Relationship

My 'Love-Hate' relationship with myself...it's a slippery slope.

We are (usually) our own worst critic. I am definitely no exception. About a month ago I was sitting on a dark balcony enjoying a beer, watching the sunset behind the hills and talking to a really good friend of mine here in Moldova about the friendship I have with a guy that he thinks is unhealthy because of the feelings I previously had for this friend. Dan (with whom I was talking) is a fellow volunteer and one of the best guys I’ve ever known in my life even though he likes to think he’s an asshole. We were talking about my friendship and the evolution of this friendship and he was telling me why he thinks it has gone on as long as it has…his opinion is that I’ve been too nice and that I should just sever all ties and end this friendship that he sees as being primarily one sided and unhealthy especially given that I had feelings that were not reciprocated.

As we talked I could tell he was trying to be honest without hurting my feelings in the expression of his opinion. I simply stated that he should just be open, that I valued his opinion (which I greatly do) and that there wasn’t really anything negative that he could say that I don’t already know or say to myself daily. His “criticisms” were not by any means harsh or mind blowing to me and in fact were actually very kind and seemed to come out of concern for me.

The point of this post is not to focus on what he said but on what I had said… “You can’t say anything negative that I don’t already know or say to myself daily.” So fast forward a month and here I am laying in bed at 12AM not being able to sleep cause I can’t get my brain to shut off. All of a sudden this conversation pops into my head from out of nowhere. Why did I say that to him? I’m not normally that blunt or open with people. I do not like showing or admitting faults to people (even those close to me). I try to put on the face of someone who is typically right, is knowledgeable about things, and looks put together. But I know it’s mostly a lie. Internally I am my biggest, meanest, and worst critic. But I would never admit that…oops-I just did!

So here is the real reason for this. Here is a list of the things I HATE about myself (physically, emotionally and mentally)

Physical Attributes:

1. My saggy arms which makes sleeveless and strapless outfits out of the question
2. My saggy stomach
3. My thighs that jiggle A LOT on the bus rides which travel on incredibly bad, uneven roads
4. My facial hair that is an every other day task to remove (for those not in the know-this commonly occurs in women who are overweight because the accumulated fat increases the amount of testosterone produced thus resulting in more hair growth in places not typically feminine)
5. The fact that I have to wear shorts under skirts/dresses (reason see number 3)
6. My pale, dull skin that easily burns in the sun and breaks out because of the removal of unwanted facial hair which causes the skin to be in a permanent state of irritation
7. Not being photogenic at all
8. Having a horrible singing voice. As a teenager I always imagined that life would be easier looking the way I did/do if only I had a beautiful voice.
9. Not being able to tan easily-thanks to my good Scottish and English genes ha
10. My hair that is too curly to be straight and to straight to be curly which results in frizz most of the time
11. My thin, brittle nails that don’t really grow well
12. My right pinky toenail that doesn’t really grow which means only 4 toenails get painted (something that gets pointed out a lot more than you would think)
13. My thin eyelashes
14. My saggy breasts. I have the family boobs. They are bottom heavy and flat on top which means they are not perky at all without the help of a bra (and losing weight has not helped that at all)
15. My dry heals. I exfoliate and lotion them all the time, but they never look good and I can never get them completely soft.
16. My flat, wide butt. Again, I have the family butt.
17. My one twisted tooth on the top of my mouth. It’s not hideous, but I get called out a lot for not smiling with teeth in pictures. I just don’t like seeing it.

Mental/Emotional Attributes:

1. Not feeling that I am able to keep up or contribute much in an intellectual conversation about just about anything
2. Not being secure enough to walk away from male attention that I know is not going to be good for me
3. Being with someone that I know isn’t right for me, but hey it beats being alone
4. The feeling that I am going to be single for the rest of my life
5. The feeling that being single for the rest of my life is a bad thing
6. Always thinking about what others think about me
7. Not having any idea what I want to be when I grow up
8. Not liking any physical attributes about myself
9. Wishing I looked, spoke, acted like someone else
10. Wanting someone to look at me and get past all the physical defects but still think I’m beautiful
11. Feeling like I am completely asexual to most if not all men
12. Not being able to love myself the way that I (logically) know that I should
13. Not being able to learn a damn foreign language easily (and no this one is not a joke-I really wish I was good at picking up a language)
14. Being too easily distracted by TV
15. Not being more driven (see #11-which is a cause sometimes for #10)
16. Having a horrible memory most of the time
17. Lacking self motivation for losing weight. I know what I need to do, I just don’t do it even though I tell myself “Tomorrow…tomorrow…tomorrow.”

Now, I don’t want you readers to think that I completely hate myself and am on the verge of ending it all. Cause I am nowhere near that and have never contemplated that. Like I said, I am my hardest, biggest, meanest, most overly critical and worst critic. I have this list go through my head almost every minute of every day but I still get out of bed, shower, do my hair, put on make up and try to look my best. Some days are better than others and some days are worse. I don’t hate all of these things about myself everyday. But in general this is my “hate list”. Some of the things on the list I know I can change. They don’t change mostly because its easier to just sit on my ass and lose myself in a movie, book or TV show where the pretty people live.

Like my list of things I hate, I do have a list of things I like or love. It tends to be shorter because we can easily find the bad in things, but we don’t always want to admit the good. And there are a few things on my hate list that are ironically on my like/love list.

Here is a list of the things I LIKE/LOVE about myself (physically, emotionally and mentally)

1. My eyes. I once had someone tell me that he was amazed by the fact that when I smiled he could see it in my eyes even though my lips were no longer smiling. For those who take the time to know me, my eyes will tell you everything you need to know about how I am feeling. I can put on a good show, but my eyes will always give me away. Have never quite mastered the lying with my eyes part.
2. My smile
3. My hair-while its neither curly or straight, it is fairly manageable and easy to style
4. My height. Everyone on my mom’s side is short as hell and that would have made me a short and fat girl. My height helps hide some of the weight.
5. My monkey arms. I love that I have long arms. Being alone most of the time, it makes it easy to reach stuff and they give good hugs.
6. My hugs
7. My laugh-it comes easily and makes me feel better after I have a good one.
8. My tattoos. I drew all of them and they represent my life at various ages.
9. My willingness to stick around when I know I shouldn’t. I hate giving up on people or severing ties even though I know it’s the healthier choice for me.
10. Not having any idea what I want to be when I grow up
11. Caring about people and taking the time to think about them
12. My creativity
13. Standing up for my beliefs
14. Being a ‘mama bear’

I am sure there is more, but for now this is what I can think of. Of course my ‘hate list’ is the longer of the two, but I think that is the same for most people. I guess the point is not to dwell on the ‘hate list’ but it’s so much easier. It’s my excuse for why things have happened in my life. Cause, look at this list of all these bad things about me and that’s why I’m single, or why I only have a few friends, or why I feel like I’m put into this certain category with people. The scary part is what happens if I change those “bad things” and I start taking away the things I hate…I take away the reasons why I think I’m single, or why I think I only have a few friends, or why I think I’m put into this certain category with people.

Week 6-9

Well friends, it's been awhile since I last posted. And I can give you all kinds of excuses, but that's not really the point of this blog. So here is a brief recap of my lack of progress for a variety of reasons.

Week 6: I was back on my feet after being down with the flu and a sinus infection for about 10 days. But the weather here was still really bad and I didn't want to chance doing outside exercising with the freezing temperatures so I decided to go back to my cheesy 90s strengthening videos. Ahh, they were like coming home again. It felt great to be doing something active after such a long time huddled under my blankets while ill.

Week 7: This week saw my feet doing a whole lot of walking for 5 days straight...in Istanbul!! The weather was unexpectedly snowy and cold but that didn't deter us from being the walking mad tourists that we are. We walked all over Istanbul from attraction to attraction through snow, wind and sunshine we were determined to see everything we wanted. I did however indulge in the yummy desserts that Turkey had to offer so on the food front not the healthiest, but the walking and stair climbing did help to offset those calories. (If you want to see some of the pictures from Istanbul, click here!)

Week 8: Back to school after vacation and while the first two days of weather were great, we did see some snow and rain which kept me indoors and huddled under blankets. But I spent that weekend in the south of Moldova at another volunteer's house so there was some walks to be had. And Moldovan food to be eaten that I don't normally get living on my own. On a side note, it was nice that his host mother, who had not seen me in about 7 months, commented on my weight loss. Moldovans love that I am losing weight in their country...it adds to their belief (and with some truth to it) that they have a healthier country than America.

Week 9: So that brings me to this week. Remember how just a moment ago I mentioned eating Moldovan food that I don't normally get to eat?? Well, it took its revenge on my and I was home for three days with intestinal issues. Good news, I'm sure I've lost some weight from lack of eating anything substantial (rice, tea/water and one hard boiled egg each day) but this is not the way I want to lose it.

Spring is making a valiant effort to take over for winter and with more sunlight during the day and warmer temperatures, I'm more motivated to be outside. I hope that my next post for week 10 will be about all the wonderful walks and jogs I took outside. I am also looking forward to fresh fruits and vegetables become cheaper and more readily available now that winter is waning.

Week 5

Still sick. I went into the capital city to visit the doctor. Had the flu and a minor sinus infection so she gave me super strong vitamins to take for 2 weeks and some antibiotics to take for 7 days. After about 3 days of taking those I was feeling human again and very anxious to be out and about. Gonna start back to the exercising a little slow, but ready to get back to it on Monday!

Week 4

Well friends, this will be a short recap of week 4. The temperatures here have been pretty chilly and the weather has not been nice (we even got several inches of snow yesterday), but I did manage to go for a walk/jog on Tuesday. I bundled up in many, many layers and kept my hood on to keep my head warm. However, it was all to no avail...I have been in bed with the flu since late Tuesday night. So unfortunately I have nothing else to report for this week except mmmm, tea and hot showers are good.

But I plan to get back into in again once I'm feeling better. Check in with you next week!

Week 3

This was a good week. I started the Couch to 5k program and managed to get two days of it in. The other days were filled with either strengthening videos (and still lots of laughs at my inability to properly execute the moves with grace and ease-but hey I'm having fun) or with long walks around the town. I have started taking the long way when I am out and about just to get some extra steps in each day. And I volunteer more often now while at school to run from classroom to classroom or up and down the stairs when my partner or I need something not in our own classroom. The calves are starting to look very nice from all the stairs I climb! I will say that working out has been rough this past week because 1) Winter has come back and she is REALLY cold and 2) She brought her cousin with her-Incredibly Cold and Powerful Wind.

This wind made my first Couch to 5K jog very interesting. Sarah and I were originally just going to do one of our long walks. But we figured no time like the present to get started. So as I listened to the podcast, she followed my lead when it was time for the 60 second jogs and when it was time for the brisk walking. Funny note about this, apparently whenever it was time to jog, I kept saying over and over "Shit, shit, shit". So she knew it was time. As if jogging were not difficult enough when you are first starting, we were given the added difficulty of running into very strong winds (which were great when we started heading back into town with the winds at our back).

Each time we walk, we choose a new direction through town so as to see more of Floresti. This time I chose to take her out of town towards the big hospital. In order to get there, we have to walk along one of the main roads. This was great fun. We counted 6-7 horn honks from Moldovans driving by, some to let us know they were coming, some to gawk at the weird American girls running while others were simply trying to figure out if we needed a ride because we had to be in a hurry since we were jogging. We also noticed a taxi driver passing us 3 or 4 times - our theory is that he wasn't sure if we needed a ride, so he kept passing us with the possibility that we may flag him down. Now for me being incredibly inexperienced with jogging and running, I was sorely tempted especially after we reached the outer limits of town and I knew we still had to turn around and head back to my apartment. But Sarah was a great cheerleader and kept me going. The podcast itself is about 30 minutes, but we walked a little before and after the podcast so in total we were gone about 1.5 hours. I felt great afterward and thankfully because we stretched before and after plus the extra time walking, I never got so sore that I was not able to move the next day. At one point, when I knew I was not able to jog anymore, we tried skipping our way home and we even stopped on the side of the road so I could show Sarah how to hula. Although I realized right away that was not the best idea as cars were coming toward us and we looked weird enough. The best part of the whole walk/jog was that she and I laughed (as usual) most of the way to and fro.

I am sadly reporting that keeping a food journal has ended. I am just not good at paying attention. However, I am still keeping track of what activity I do each day in my planner so at least I am half keeping track. I think I gave up on the food tracking because I was basically eating the same thing the whole week (oatmeal for breakfast and 1 cup of my homemade chili for lunch and again for dinner). I have taken to cooking one big pot of something at the beginning of the week then eating that for lunch and/or dinner throughout the week. Week 3 was chili, week 4 (this week) is a bean and veggie soup. It was an experiment since I have never made a soup with beans (especially dry beans), but overall a success. Still needs a little something to add a bit more flavor, but not bad for my first attempt at playing with ingredients.

I have not done my measurements yet, mostly because I forgot about it. But I will ask Sarah to help me next time we get together to workout.

That's all for now. Happy week to everyone!

Week 2

So this will be a light one. This past week's weather was really great for outdoor activity so Sarah and I took advantage of it. We walked for an hour and half twice last week and got to see new parts of the village. It was great, the walking was easy! Not because we were meandering, but because we were just chatting the whole time and enjoying the new scenery. But we were still a little out of breath because of the pace and the small hills we encountered along the way.

The first walk took us close to a nearby village and along part of the river that runs on the outskirts of my village. It was beautiful and now I know I should bring along my camera next time we go out. Our second walk had a duel purpose-one to exercise, but also to run some errands around the village (i.e. ATM and grocery shopping for that night's dinner). We took the long way down to the valley where our ATM is located then wound our way through one of the neighborhoods that neither she nor I had been in before. It was a whole new set of Moldovan's staring at the weird Americans and their heavy backpacks/bags.

I also did some of my cheesy and wonderful strengthening videos throughout the week, but not as often as I should have. They are easy to do so I really should be doing them everyday. But laziness gets the better of me especially when the weather is gloomy.

I knew the weekend would be a little bit of a set back to losing weight because a group of volunteers were in the capital city to celebrate my friend's birthday. But I made sure to do as much walking all over the city as possible and watch the portions when I was able to. Overall it was fairly successful for me, but I'm not gonna lie-I loved,enjoyed and ate every morsel of the yummy Pad Thai I had at her birthday dinner. And of course, there was a lot of beer consumed over the weekend. But it was a celebration and not my norm.

I still haven't started on the Couch to 5K. I endeavor to begin this week (as I have said each week since downloading the podcast haha).

While talking with my site mates we decided that the best way to measure our weight loss (and yes, I said "our" because they are joining me in exercising and losing weight) is to take our measurements. So in the next post I will let you all know where I am right now and will start using that as a measure of my weight loss once a month. I'll still weigh myself, but that's a little trickier for me since I don't always have access to a scale. Plus, with exercise comes muscle building and since muscles weigh more than fat, I don't want to rely solely on pounds as my measurement of loss.

That's it for week 2.